thank you, youth group!

i officially had the most amazing time at youth group. i always do. i love all the girls there so much, and how much we can share, and none of it everever gets around school. it's great :) thank you God for blessing me with these girls... i love them all... and thanks for becky :) she's a great leader! i'm feeling a lot happier now, like youth group always makes me feel. but i still feel...purposeless? especially since i didn't get the job.

every fall
he catches me
and every stumble
he pulls me up
dear God, I'm drowning in your love
and heaven forbid you rescue me
from this endless sea of mercy
Jesus, make me more like you
because on my own,
i don't know what else i can do

let me drown here in your grace
in this moment, i'm not displaced
i've finally found where i belong
and what i've found is here, wrapped up in your songs.

i love the boyd brothers!

so this is how it feels...

disappointment. crashing disappointment. when everything you've hoped for- to the point of expectation- dissolves around you, and you find you're left with nothing.

i didn't get the job. i'm "too young."

Motions

theres this great song by a guy named Matthew West, called "The Motions." The line that gets me is this:

I don't wanna spend my whole askin, what if I had given everything? Instead of going through the motions...

I don't know... it makes perfect sense. Because isn't that what we kind of do? When we were young, we had adventures and innocence every day. But gradually it slips away. And I don't know if I'm quite ready to let it all go yet.

when we were young
and innocent
and every day
was a day well spent,
when we could laugh
at everything
and never wish for
anything,
when love meant loving
everyone
and coldest hate
was a five-minute shun,
when we still dreamt
and dared to wish,
when we still cared
and dared to miss,
when we still cried
and dared to hurt,
when everything was said with words,
when we were not afraid to learn,
and the easiest thing was to forgive,
that was when we really lived.

Sweetly Scream

sweetly screaming
down my neck
i feel your breath
and wonder if i have a chance

poisonous perforation
you cut me
and let my blood seep through
what else can i take?
what else will you do?

every simple serenade
hides aching desire
i know how venomous you are
how i attract the fire
and call me what you will

but i'm not.
not now, not ever
and i'm trying my best to escape
escape this crashing fate
wondering if i'll make it out to the other side
alive
when all my instincts say
i will die

keep on, your sweetly screamed lies
i never knew a lullaby could twist my insides like a knife
i never knew that "i love you" could make me wish to leave this life

monster
how should i feel?
creatures lie here
looking through the window...

-meg & dia

studying for APWH... not my definition of fun, not my definition of things to be doing on a monday night.. but life persists. :) ahh... i'm excited for school tomorrow, sortof, strangely enough.. I'm excited to see if I get my job...

funny how much I want this job... like I feel like I might actually be worth it if I get this job. Imagine: me, a tutor. Doesn't it seem perfect?

Afraid

Everything I've ever wanted has culminated into this moment. I'm afraid, though. So afraid. Afraid that I won't remember all the skills I used to have, the skills it takes to type out magic... To type out words that can touch somebody on the inside, to embrace what I feel driven to do. I'm afraid to fail at the one thing I've always coveted more than life itself: the ability to write a book that expresses it all- everything I feel inside, bottled up, waiting to be expressed on paper but remaining unfulfilled. Until now.

last christmas, i gave you my heart...(but the very next day, you gave it away.)

i realized that blogging is emma's thing.

and that's why i haven't done it... since basically the day i started.

and i don't want to steal emma's niche.

but i want to know all this...for me?

i'm in love; i feel like i've finally got it right.

he's the reason i can't fall asleep at night.

(am i really sinking into this golden light?)

it's almost christmas; that time of year.

and i'm bracing myself for when my grandma draws near.

(how come we never really can avoid the things we fear?)

i'm waiting for my grades; call me a freak or nerd

but i'm gonna ignore you cuz i need myself to be heard

and grades are my output for this lonely world

i went to church this week; first time in a while

and honestly, i truly think that Jesus makes me smile

(it's great to know that I'M his child.)

merry christmas! this is probably my last post. :)